by Methodist Hospital

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"Living proof that young white males can still make rock new, fun, meaningful, etc...Nine tracks, 33 minutes, free if you want at Bandcamp but I say give them some money. Grade: A-"
—Robert Christgau, Noisey

Giants takes place in a world where, if you run, giants follow you. In our protagonist's case, the giants come from the pop culture he loved as a child. While fleeing from rural Pennsylvania to a small town in West Central Florida—abandoning every responsibility he has along the way—he finds himself pursued by G1 Transformers, Godzilla (the crappy American one), Goya's Colossus, and others. Sometimes the giants come out of nowhere. Sometimes they mutate from his family and friends. He's good at evading them...for a time.

As his flaws and the giants themselves become bigger and more expansive, so does the music, evolving from pop punk to '90s alternative, sludge metal, ambient, and back.


released October 20, 2017

Dan Caffrey & Maxwell J Shults present: Giants

Dan – concept, story, lyrics, vocals & bass

Maxwell – guitars, drums, percussion, keys, sound design, occasional bass, lyrics & vocals

Recorded & produced by Dan & Maxwell, mixed by Maxwell at Hell's Half Acre Studio, Chicago, IL

Mastered by Wade Alin at Standard Mastering, Chicago, IL

Album design by Greer Mosher. Contains elements of The Colossus by Francisco de Goya (artwork in the public domain).


all rights reserved



Methodist Hospital Chicago, Illinois

Dan Caffrey and Maxwell J Shults are old friends from Chicago who have played music together in a variety of bands, including The Elizabeth Dane and a fight-themed cover band called The Lucky Shiners.

Dan lives in Austin, TX now, but they still make music together as Methodist Hospital. Whenever they play live (which has been only once), they're joined onstage by friends.
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Track Name: In A Cartoon Valley
It started out small and then it started to grow
Like the first commercial break of the late, late show
You woke up at eight and you started to sew
Another scarf for a winter where it’s too warm to snow

Then he formed out of a mountain. He was too tall to see.
He drank up all the water from the West Chester Creek
The creek became a canyon where he’d get some sleep
After lighting up the heart that went dark inside of me

You said you needed proof,
But then he lifted off the roof
And now I think you have your truth

A gap like a hallway in between each tooth
Each nostril big as our living room
Every eyelash could support a noose

We can’t stay much longer
I think we need to go soon


It started out small and then it started to grow
Like the first commercial break of the late, late show
You woke up at eight and you started to sew
Another scarf for a winter where it’s too warm to snow

Sucked the color from the valley, now it’s black and white
Just a long silent movie through the day and night
The giant came down with all his might,
But we were both too tired to put up a fight

We don’t need boxing gloves to hit the road,
But no matter what happens, I want you to know…
Well, I don’t know. We just need to go.
‘Cause if we don’t,
I’m gonna…
I wanna…

Jesus, let me explode
Track Name: Run.
I can change myself into the damnedest things

Run among the cypress knees and skeletons of cavalry
Run for our engagement’s sake and footprints stomped the size of lakes

Out of the valley
And into an alley

On the third day of the giant’s reign,
You said "It’s all just cartoon pain"
Your brain was telling you to stick around

But eyes disguised as window panes
Keep me staring down the drain
These feet just weren’t made for solid ground

So let’s run

New pavement wrapped around my shoe,
But this cement wasn’t meant for you
Half-hearted wave for you to come my way,
But I knew that we were through
Track Name: "Hey, New Port Richey!"
It’s been forever since “forever,” man
And I’m in no rush to go again
All my meals at the Pit Boss
All my nights on Main with friends

But it ain’t much to call a Main Street
Just Sims Park and some pool hall
The billiard felt all looks like tree moss,
So we don’t play that much at all

But none of my EMT pals ask anything of me
Just show up at Mitchell Field so we can play some rugby
This is the place I sat to scratch when my feet got itchy,
So every time I pray, I say, “Hey, New Port Richey…”

“Hey, New Port Richey!”

The Hooters here is on the waterfront,
So it’s more classy than the rest
We build mountains out of chicken bones
Got paper towels for all the mess

And I mistook her for a waitress,
Even though she was wearing jeans
Throwing her croutons to the catfish,
So she could keep her salad lean

As my speech got slurred, she purred. ‘Least that’s what I think.
Gotta stop thinking so zoological when I drink
Treat humans as humans, women as women. Are you with me?
‘Cause everybody hurts when you’re in New Port Richey

“That stings, New Port Richey!”

Guess I could always move to Hudson
(They’ve got cheaper oxycontin there)

You could say that she got sick,
Sick with responsibility
Left me with that thing we made
Rode a cigar to Ybor City

And I’m not saying that I blame her
‘Cause I never took her for a girl
Am I just some blood-and-bone container?
Another skull with surfer’s curls?

So now I’m thinking about my sins at the Elfers Bridge
Some nights, I catch myself straight-staring into the fridge
But no empty bottle of formula will ever convince me
That this son can’t have his fun in New Port Richey

“Fuck yeah, New Port Richey!”
“Fuck yeah, New Port Richey!”
“Fuck yeah, New Port Richey!”
“Fuck yeah, New Port Richey!”

Track Name: Transformative Summer
Take a mugshot of your hometown
The meth ghosts and goalposts they tore down
All before you were seven

That July, it made your week
When Hollywood 18 got stadium seats
Don’t you dare call it Heaven

Next Friday,
“Hey, Dad, can you pick me up from school?
There’s a movie about giant robots that looks pretty cool”

“Uh, yeah, I’d be into that
Want me to pick up some snacks?
I’ll stop at Eckerd
It’s cheaper than the theater
And they’re like the only place that carries Mambas
And Charleston Chews”


Track Name: Skyboxing
Driving home, we saw another movie
One being projected in the sky
The giant robots looked like holograms,
But we both knew they were real

Flashes of heat lightning with each punch
You asked if they could hurt us

And I said, “Nah, they’re too far away
And besides, one of them—the one who’s winning—he’s with the good guys”

Then you said something that sticks with me even today,
Mostly because you’re gone now, but…
Let’s face it, it was an advanced thing for a kid of your age to say:

“Once you get to be a certain size, it doesn’t matter if you’re good or bad
You’re so big, you cause destruction wherever you go,
Whether you want to or not
You can’t help it”

And that’s the part they never show in movies, I guess
The damage caused by all the heroes and the giants:
The rubble
The bodies
The blood

Then you said,

“If I ever make a Transformers movie, it’ll be like this, from our perspective
We’d just see them fighting
We wouldn’t know why
Because how could we?
How could we know who’s good or bad?
Or what they’re fighting for?

In my movie, you’re walking home from work
And you see a cloud of shattered brick
Then two of them burst out of it,
Just kicking the shit out of each other”
“Don’t swear,” I said

“Okay, kicking the crap out of each other
We would never find out the plot; just the outline of a plot
Us dead and them alive, still fighting,
Maybe on some other planet”

“Well, they’re still not anywhere near us,” I answered after a long silence
“They’re near Sunset Landing, way out on the water
Just watch the movie”

“You never want to talk about this”

“I don’t like talking”

“You never want to ask questions about it”

“I don’t like questions”

“It’s all we ever do
We just watch things without ever thinking about them”

Long pause

“Watch the movie”

We couldn’t hear their punches,
But at one point,
The hits did sync up with the rhythm of the windshield wipers

Did I mention it was raining?

Then, another being—something much bigger than either of the robots
Rose out of the water and fog

His skin was yellow-green, coated in boat oil
His beard was full of stars
And I thought he was going to gouge out the optics of the Decepticon leader,
Rip off his tricorn head and punt it out into the Gulf,
Where it would forever be a giant coral reef for clown fish and eels drawn to its electricity

But he didn’t
The Colossus paid the robots no mind
He just kept walking, back toward the valley I came from,
Boxing with himself,
Sending his fists through the stormclouds

He eventually squared off against a waterspout,
And when the funnel swept him away,
I knew our paths would cross again
Track Name: Godzilla '98
They used to never show the monster ‘til opening night
Can we all agree that’s the one thing the movie got right?

You joined in on the booing:
“Hey, Roland, man, what are you doing?”
But you couldn’t see me stewing in the lowered light

Now my legs are bending backward into digitigrade
My jaw is jutting proudly and my eggs are laid
“A320” on my Discman while I mutate in the shade

Another shape-shift Sunday
Where I get in your way
We used to talk about the movies,
But now we’ve got nothing to say

Another shape-shift Sunday
Where I get in your way
We used to talk and talk and talk,
But now we’ve got nothing to say

So what if I wanna feel bad for some iguana that’s CGI?
I was moved by his breath and his death, but had to keep it inside

You make fun of everything I like
When I said that David Lynch is just alright,
You didn’t speak or even look at me the rest of the night

Another shape-shift Sunday
(Now my legs are bending backward into digitigrade)
Where we’ve got nothing to say
(My jaw is jutting proudly and my eggs are laid)
We used to talk about the movies,
(“A320” on my Discman while I mutate in the shade)
But now I swat the ‘copters away

I am a God, I am a lizard
And you’re a LEGO model to scale
Movie-poster optics and a coccyx growing into a tail

Crush your Criterion
You will appreciate the movies I make
My heart beats Florida thunder
And my footprints stomp the size of lakes
Track Name: His Heartbeat Shook The Bridge
The only challenge was not to make this creature look like a T-rex or a gigantic dinosaur
Because we’ve seen this
But fortunately, this guy doesn’t look like a dinosaur
It is a dragon more than anything else
I did some tweaking to give it something different
I gave him a chin. It gives him a lot of nobility.
One of the inspirations was a character I loved as a kid: the tiger
He had this great chin thing and I always loved it
He looked scary—evil. But you respected him.
I thought, “Let’s try to give him a chin,” and I felt it still looked realistic
But he had this different thing that you hadn’t seen before
It was just so different. So improved.

When they saw it, they had a complete heart attack
They said, “They will never accept this
You’ve ruined it. Why did you do this?
You have to do this in stages”

“Show them the face first. Then show them the body.
Show them the face first. Then show them the body.
Show them the face first. Then show them the body.”

I am destruction
I am the end

I am destruction
I am the end

I am destruction
I am the end

I am destruction
I am the end
Track Name: Mammoths (Interlude)
Track Name: On Your Shoulders (Transformative Winter)
Going back
On your shoulders,
Under starlight in your beard

Not more relaxed
Just ‘cause I’m older,
But more accepting of the fear

Looking down
With every stride, some new shithole town

But true wisdom
Comes with embracing where you’re from

Taken back,
But unforgiven
By the people I let down

Cut me some slack
‘Cause I’m still living

In a movie about giant robots
In a movie about giant robots
In a movie about giant robots
In a movie about giant robots
In a movie about giant robots
In a movie about giant robots

It was a movie about giant robots...

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